I was sitting in a diner
With a girl named Flo
She wouldn't say yes
But she couldn't say no
She said "Darling, Can I get a middle man?"
She was engaged to a fellow
On the lay a way plan
But she carried all her money
In a coffee can
She said "Darling, Can I get a middle man?"
The cook looked over
With a short order face
Dropped a fork
And he saw Flo's legs
Straightened his apron
And burnt my eggs
I got competition
Everywhere I go
These days
She was leaning on the juke box
And was lookin' real good
Like Natalie Wood
On a Pontiac hood
I said "Darling, I think I need a little hand"
Ya see, I've seen my downs
I've seen my ups
I seen miniature dogs
In coffee cups
But "Darling I ain't never seen a middle man"
Flo talked slow
Like real wet paint
She said
"A middle man's there
When the other ones ain't
He's got a left handed manner
That leans to the right
Sleeps all day
And keeps it up all night ..."
... I got an aunt in Ohio
And a boat that won't row
Some veterans insurance
And nowhere to go
"Darling, Can I be your middle man?"
(Spoken)
If I could get the money in that coffee can
I could open me up a lemonade stand
Send all the kids off to Pakistan
Make Flo happy
If I can
Jerry Mahoney and Johnny B. Goode
Are gonna buy me a house in Hollywood
"Darling I think I got the perfect plan"
"We're gonna save half a dollars
And sell 'em to France
Buy us a record
And learn how to dance
And Darling I'll always be your middle
Darling Go buy a griddle
Darling I wanna be your middle man

You can't live together
You can't live alone
Considering the weather
Oh my, how you've grown
From the men in the factories
To the wild kangaroo
Like those birds of a feather
They're gathering together
And feeling
Exactly like you
They got mesmerized
By lullabies
And limbo danced
In pairs
Please lock that door
It don't make much sense
That common sense
Don't make no sense
No more
Just between you and me
It's like pulling
When you ought to be shovin,
Like a nun
With her head in the oven
Please don't tell me
That this really wasn't nothing
One of these days
One of these nights
You'll take off your hat
And they'll read you
Your rights
You'll wanna get high
Every time you feel low
Hey, Queen Isabella
Stay away from that fella
He'll just get you
Into trouble, you know?
But they came here by boat
And they came here by plane
They blistered their hands
And they burned out their brain
All dreaming a dream
That'll never come true
Hey, don't give me no trouble
Or I'll call up my double
We'll play piggy-in-the-middle
With you
You'll get mesmerized
By alibis
And limbo dance in pairs
Please lock that door
It don't make much sense
That common sense
Don't make no sense
No more

The last time that I saw her
She was standing in the rain
With her overcoat under her arm
Leaning on a horsehead cane
She said "Carl, take all the money"
She called everybody Carl
"My spirit's broke"
"My mind's a joke,"
"And getting up's real hard"
Chorus:
Don't you know her
When you see her?
She grew up
In your back yard
Come back to us
Barbara Lewis
Hare Krishna
Beauregard
Selling bibles at the airports
Buying Quaaludes on the phone
Hey, you talk about
A paper route
She's a shut in without a home
God save her, please
She's nailed her knees
To some drugstore parking lot
Hey, Mr. Brown
Turn the volume down
I believe this evening's shot
(Repeat Chorus)
Can't you picture her next Thursday?
Can you picture her at all?
In the Hotel Boulderado
At the dark end of the hall
I gotta shake myself and wonder
Why she even bothers me
For if heartaches were commercials
We'd all be on T.V.
(Repeat Chorus)

It's Wedding Day in Funeralville
Your soup spoon's on your right
The King and Queen will alternate
With the refrigerator light
They'll be boxing on the T.V. show
The colored kids will sing
Hooray for you
And midnight's oil
Lets burn the whole damn thing
Felicia is my dark horse girl
I'll take her if it rains
She throws up punch
Upon the host
And says many stupid things
But she ain't so bad
When we're all alone
She's as different
As can be
She's a part a my heart
Don'tcha pull us apart
She's like one of the family
Chorus:
Oh no! Trouble in the attic
Won't somebody turn on a light
Got so, so many troubles
Can't even tell
Wrong from right
I'm gonna comb my hair
Darn my socks
Tip my hat
And say goodnight
It's Wedding Day in Funeralville
What shall I wear tonight?
It's wedding Day in Funeralville
What shall I wear tonight?
My car is stuck in Washington
And I cannot find out why
Come sit beside me on the swing
And watch the angels cry
It's anybody's ballgame
It's everybody's fight
And the streetlamp said
As he nodded his head
It's lonesome out tonight
(Repeat Chorus)

Chorus:
Way down
Way down it must be
I can't stop this misery
It must be way down
Spring is just a smile away
Laughing at a summer day
Turn around Look at fall
Winter, hear my lonely call
Way down ...
The air is thin and the sky is fat
I'm gonna buy me a brand new hat
Wear it out and go insane
Christ, I hope it never rains
Way down ...
Thought I saw a neon sign
Flash my name With the time
Probably didn't see a thing
Crazy dreams and a broken wing
Way down ...
How ya' gonna get sunshine
Peeking thru Venetian blinds
Don't you know all that fear
Begins and ends the same place
Here
Way down ...

I'm beginning to like you
But, you know that ain't right
'Cause you'll just twist and twist and twist
Till I'm all crooked inside

Then you'll take all you gave me
Like it never was there
And I think that I might, No! I know
Yes, I will help you there
'Cause ...
Chorus:
I've done it before
And I'd do it again
'Cause it's the only time
That makes me feel like I'm
My own best friend
I'm a victim of friction I just got too close to see
Yeah, we sparked in the dark and God hung a light on me
And the lamp gets real heavy and it hangs from my heart
And it comes, and it goes
Till I can't tell the difference apart
But ...
(Repeat Chorus)
So many people say
It'll never work out that way
You can't stand the heat
While you're watching your heart
Just melt away in the basement
On a rainy day
La la la
La la la
La lala
Lalala la lalaaaaaaaaaa ...
There's motel in Shreveport
Don't ask me where, please
They check in, they check out
By the light of the color TV's
And the maid calls you honey
And she makes your bed slow
And she speaks, of the sheets that don't fit
But you know that she knows
That ...
(Repeat Chorus)

Forbidden Jimmy
Has got a mighty sore tooth
From biting too many dimes
In a telephone booth
He's got half of his bootlace
Tied to the dial
Thank you operator
For getting Jimmy to smile
"Call out the Coast Guard"
Screamed the Police
Forbidden Jimmy
He's got three water skis
He put two on his wavelength
And gave one to his girl
She's a mighty fine person
It's a mighty fine world
Chorus:
I'm gonna make all your sorrows bright
Set your soul free
I'll see you tomorrow night
If I can still see
Ginger Caputo
And Dorian Gray
Oughtta stay out of pictures
If they got nothin' to say
Stack 'em back on the rack Jack
Ya know, you're hurting my eye
Forbidden Jimmy
He's getting ready to fly
(Repeat Chorus)
I got caught cooking popcorn
And calling it hail
They wanna stick my head
Inside a water pail
Ya know, they're gonna be sorry
They're gonna pay for it too
Forbidden Jimmy
He's coming straight at you

I wish, I hope, I wonder
Where you're at sometimes
Is your back against the wall?
Or just across the line
Have you been standing in the rain
Reciting nursery rhymes?
Trying to recall
Some long lost kind of peace of mind
Peace of mind
Try spending the night sometime
All alone in a frozen room
Afterneath you've lain
Your Saddle in the rain
I dreamed they locked God up
Down in my basement
And he waited there for me
To have this accident
So he could drink my wine
And eat me like a sacrament
And I just stood there like I do
Then I came and went
I came and went
Like a bird in a foreign sky
Couldn't even say good bye
Or come and share the pain
My Saddle's in the rain
I saw a friend who doesn't know
If I'm his friend just yet
His eyes and mouth were widely open
And his jaw was set
Like he'd fell off a cliff
And hadn't hit the bottom yet
I wish he wouldn't pull those things on me
Without a net
Without a net
I had him up to the house one time
And we was having a real good time
Then he went and lain
His Saddle in the rain
In a laundromat not too far
From the Alamo
Sits a girl who stole my records
Very long ago
And she wishes, wants and washes
Out those dirty clothes
As she shuts her eyes and dreams
About her one eyed Joe
One eyed Joe
Car parked on a dirty road
Heaven knows the load she pulled
Couldn't take the strain
A Saddle in the rain

Like a bolt of lightning
Like a bolt of thunder
Like a cloudy day
Down at the Zoo
Like a drowning man
That will never go under
That close to you
Yeah, that close to you
In the middle of the night
You'd ask me to make you smile
You'd come on like a one armed child
With a hole in its shoe
Poor you
Everybody oughtta know
It only hurts ya for a little while
So stop putting yourself on trial
For something you didn't do
Not you
To me
Can't we
Be
Just like
Lovers and mothers and brothers
And sorrow
Can I find a little something
With a nicer view
I'm hating to plead
But I'm begging to borrow
Just to be
That close to you
Yeah, that close to you

There's a rainbow of babies
Draped over the graveyard
Where all the dead sailors
Wait for their brides
And the cold bitter snow
Has strangled each grassblade
Where the salt from their tears
Washed out with the tide
Chorus:
And I smiled on the Wabash
The last time I passed it
Yes I gave her a wink
From the passenger side
And my foot fell asleep
As I swallowed my candy
Knowing he was in heaven
Before he died
Now the harbor's on fire
With the dreams and desires
Of a thousand young poets
Who failed 'cause they tried
For a rhyme without reason
Floats down to the bottom
Where the scavengers eat 'em
And wash in with the tide
(Repeat Chorus)
The sun can play tricks
With your eyes on the highway
The moon can lay sideways
Till the ocean stands still
But a person can't tell
His best friend he loves him
Till time has stopped breathing
You're alone on the hill
(Repeat Chorus)

It was a teenage wedding
And the old folks wished 'em well
You could see that Pierre
Did truly love the Mademoiselle.
And the young Monsieur and Madame
Have rung the chapel bell,
"C'est la vie,"
-Say the old folks
It goes to show that you never can tell

They furnished off an apartment 
With a two room Roebuck sale
The coolerator was filled
With TV Dinners and ginger ale
But when Pierre found work,
The little money comin' worked out well
"C'est la vie,"
-Say the old folks
It goes to show that you never can tell

They had a Hi-Fi phono
Boy, did they let it blast
Seven hundred little records
All rock, rhythm and jazz
But when the sun went down
The rapid tempo of the music fell
"C'est la vie,"
-Say the old folks
It goes to show that you never can tell

They bought a souped up jitney
'Twas a cherry in fifty-three
They drove it down to New Orleans
To celebrate their anniversary.
It was there where Pierre was wedded
To the lovely Mademoiselle,
"C'est la vie,"
-Say the old folks
It goes to show that you never can tell

It was a teenage wedding
And the old folks wished 'em well
You could see that Pierre
Did truly love the Mademoiselle.
And the young Monsieur and Madame
Have rung the chapel bell,
"C'est la vie,"
-Say the old folks
It goes to show that you never can tell